Albuquerque-Weird Al Yankovic

[ti:Albuquerque] [ar:Weird Al Yankovic] [al:The Essential Weird Al Yankovic] [by:] [offset:0] [00:00.32]Albuquerque - Weird Al Yankovic (“怪人奥尔”扬科维奇) [00:01.10]Written by：Al Yankovic [00:01.91] [00:06.49]Way back when I was just a little bitty boy [00:08.33]Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of [00:10.48]The basement of the house [00:11.36]Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop [00:13.50] [00:14.23]You know the place [00:15.20]Well anyway back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy [00:20.33]Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning [00:22.93] [00:23.69]My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast [00:26.84] [00:27.98]Awww big bowl of sauerkraut [00:30.62] [00:31.87]Every single mornin' [00:33.27]It was driving me crazy [00:34.52]I said to my mom [00:35.28]I said [00:35.59]Hey mom what's up with all the sauerkraut [00:37.31] [00:37.89]And my dear sweet mother [00:39.26]She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train [00:42.04] [00:42.95]And she leaned right down next to me [00:44.57] [00:45.17]And she said It's good for you [00:48.86] [00:49.54]And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth [00:52.14]And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until [00:54.13]I was twenty six and a half years old [00:56.41]That's when I swore that someday [00:57.78] [00:58.30]Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical far away place [01:02.42]Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer [01:05.37]And the towels are oh so fluffy [01:07.08] [01:07.65]Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long [01:10.38]And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel [01:13.56] [01:14.20]Wacka wacka doodoo yeah [01:15.92]Well let me tell you people it wasn't long at [01:17.82]All before my dream came true [01:19.48]Because the very next day a local radio station had this contest [01:22.58]To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt [01:26.03] [01:27.10]I was off by three but I still won the grand prize [01:29.54] [01:30.58]That's right a first class one-way ticket to [01:33.50]Albuquerque [01:36.77] [01:38.82]Albuquerque [01:41.72] [01:42.99]Oh yeah [01:43.42] [01:44.17]You know I'd never been on a real airplane before [01:46.29]And I gotta tell ya it was really great [01:48.00] [01:48.88]Except that I had to sit between two large [01:50.51]Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor [01:53.32] [01:53.82]And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time [01:56.88]The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts [01:59.60]And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore [02:02.15]And oh yeah three of the airplane engines burned out [02:04.36]And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside [02:06.67]And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died [02:10.43] [02:11.79]Except for me [02:13.06]You know why [02:13.69] [02:14.49]Cause I had my tray table up [02:16.08] [02:16.84]And my seat back in the full upright position [02:19.44]Had my tray table up [02:21.09] [02:22.04]And my seat back in the full upright position [02:24.77]Had my tray table up [02:26.15] [02:27.15]And my seat back in the full upright position [02:29.80] [02:30.45]Ah ha ha ha [02:32.04]Ah ha ha [02:32.69] [02:33.27]Ahhhh [02:34.04] [02:35.03]So I crawled from the twisted burnin' wreckage [02:36.94] [02:37.62]I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days [02:40.71] [02:41.81]Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag [02:45.32]And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball [02:48.21]And my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel [02:50.74] [02:52.03]But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn [02:56.33]Where the towels are oh so fluffy [02:58.15]And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna [03:01.36]It's okay they're clean [03:02.42] [03:03.15]Well I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C [03:05.59]And I turned on the SpectraVision [03:07.53]And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow [03:09.97]That I love so very very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door [03:13.09] [03:14.20]Well now who could that be [03:15.28] [03:15.98]I say [03:16.26]Who is it [03:16.78] [03:17.30]No answer [03:17.74] [03:18.62]Who is it [03:19.98]There's no answer [03:20.63] [03:21.32]Who is it [03:22.44]They're not sayin' anything [03:23.40] [03:24.02]So finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected [03:28.18]It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril [03:32.95] [03:33.59]Oh man I hate it when I'm right [03:35.55] [03:36.26]So anyway he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel [03:39.28]And I'm like [03:40.02]Hey you can't have that [03:41.37]That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me [03:43.47] [03:44.23]And he's like tough [03:45.09] [03:45.61]And I'm like give it [03:46.91]And he's like make me [03:48.28]And I'm like 'kay [03:49.07] [03:49.63]So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus [03:52.06]And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows [03:54.72]And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation [03:57.38]Yes indeed you better believe it [03:59.20] [04:00.07]And somehow in the middle of it all the phone got knocked off the hook [04:03.67]And twenty seconds later I heard a familiar voice [04:06.16] [04:06.82]And you know what it said [04:08.21]I'll tell you what it said [04:09.67]It said [04:10.22]If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again [04:14.49] [04:15.38]If you need help hang up and then dial your operator [04:19.98] [04:20.50]If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again [04:24.71] [04:25.33]If you need help hang up and then dial your operator [04:30.17] [04:30.81]Albuquerque [04:34.16] [04:36.09]Albuquerque [04:39.33] [04:40.99]Well to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel [04:44.09]But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that [04:46.65]I would not rest [04:47.75]I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice [04:51.26] [04:51.97]But first I decided to buy some donuts [04:53.80]So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop [04:56.46]And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter [04:58.58]And he says [04:59.27]Yeah what do ya want [05:01.03] [05:04.09]I said [05:04.45]You got any glazed donuts [05:05.72] [05:06.36]He said [05:06.80]No we're outta glazed donuts [05:08.64] [05:09.25]I said [05:09.58]You got any jelly donuts [05:10.99] [05:11.76]He said [05:12.13]No we're outta jelly donuts [05:13.96] [05:14.56]I said [05:14.93]You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts [05:17.13]He said [05:17.53]No we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts [05:19.60] [05:20.20]I said [05:20.58]You got any cinnamon rolls [05:22.09]He said [05:22.45]No we're outta cinnamon rolls [05:24.72]I said [05:25.12]You got any apple fritters [05:26.51] [05:27.06]He said [05:27.49]No we're outta apple fritters [05:29.32] [05:29.83]I said [05:30.32]You got any bear claws [05:31.63] [05:32.32]He said [05:33.29]Wait a minute I'll go check [05:35.02] [05:44.10]No we're outta bear claws [05:45.69] [05:46.67]I said [05:47.00]Well in that case in that case what do you have [05:50.65] [05:51.71]He says [05:52.05]All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels [05:55.82] [05:57.20]I said [05:57.49]Okay I'll take that [05:58.98]So he hands me the box and [06:00.36]I open up the lid and the weasels jump out [06:02.65]And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over [06:05.95] [06:07.84]Oh man they were just going nuts [06:09.69]They were tearin' me apart [06:10.85] [06:11.49]You know I think it was just about that time [06:13.53]That a little ditty started goin' through my head [06:15.49] [06:16.58]I believe it went a little something like this [06:18.39] [06:19.81]Doh [06:20.51]Get 'em off me [06:21.15]Get 'em off me [06:22.13]Oh [06:22.66]No get 'em off get 'em off [06:24.09]Oh oh God oh God [06:25.73]Oh get 'em off me [06:26.86]Oh oh God [06:27.85]Ah ah ah [06:30.27]I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face [06:33.76]Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin' runnin' runnin' [06:35.99]Like a constipated wiener dog [06:37.86] [06:38.56]And as luck would have it that's exactly when [06:40.75]I ran into the girl of my dreams [06:42.81] [06:43.91]Her name was Zelda [06:45.33]She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite [06:48.28]And hair the color of strained peaches [06:50.09] [06:50.86]I'll never forget the first thing she said to me [06:53.44]She said [06:53.89]Hey you've got weasels on your face [06:56.17]That's when I knew it was true love [06:58.02]We were inseparable after that [06:59.59] [07:00.15]Aw we ate together we bathed together [07:03.10]We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss [07:06.36]The world was our burrito [07:07.86] [07:08.58]So we got married and we bought us a house [07:10.74]And had two beautiful children Nathaniel and Superfly [07:13.77] [07:14.42]Oh we were so very very very happy aw yeah [07:17.82] [07:18.52]But then one fateful night Zelda said to me [07:21.72]She said [07:22.39]Sweetie pumpkin [07:23.35] [07:23.94]Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club [07:26.43] [07:28.85]I said [07:29.19]Whoa hold on now baby [07:31.65]I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment [07:34.17]So we broke up and I never saw her again [07:36.48]But that's just the way things go [07:38.08] [07:39.52]Albuquerque [07:42.65] [07:44.72]Albuquerque [07:47.74] [08:00.39]Anyway things really started lookin' up for me [08:02.36]Because about a week later I finally achieved my lifelong dream [08:06.00] [08:06.84]That's right I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler [08:09.31] [08:09.90]I even made employee of the month after [08:11.81]I put out that grease fire with my face [08:13.85]Aw yeah everybody was pretty jealous of me after that [08:16.31]I was gettin' a lot of attitude [08:18.42]OK like one time I was out in the parking lot [08:20.71]Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil [08:23.19]When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' [08:25.97]Sofa up the stairs all by himself [08:27.50]So I [08:28.14]I say to him I say [08:29.24]Hey you want me to help you with that [08:30.87]And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes [08:33.59]No I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw [08:37.59]So I did [08:38.18] [08:38.79]And then he gets all indignant on me [08:40.75]He's like [08:41.09]Hey man I was just being sarcastic [08:43.23] [08:43.79]Well that's just great [08:44.94]How was I supposed to know that [08:46.65]I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud [08:48.62]Besides now he's got a really cute nickname Torso-Boy [08:51.95]So what's he complaining about [08:53.05] [08:54.03]Say that reminds me of another amusing anecdote [08:57.10]This guy comes up to me on the street [08:58.73]And says he hasn't had a bite in three days [09:01.46]Well I knew what he meant [09:02.93]But just to be funny I took a big bite out of his jugular vein [09:06.66]And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over [09:09.10]And I'm like [09:09.65]Hey come on don'tcha get it [09:11.48]But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming [09:14.42] [09:16.96]You know just completely missing the irony of the whole situation [09:19.78]Man some people just can't take a joke you know [09:22.22] [09:22.83]Anyway um um where was I [09:27.15] [09:28.54]Kinda lost my train of thought [09:29.72] [09:30.59]Uh well uh okay [09:32.35]Anyway I I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it [09:35.07]But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is [09:37.90]I hate Sauerkraut [09:41.33]That's all I'm really tryin' to say [09:42.70]And by the way if one day you happen to wake up [09:44.94]And find yourself in an existential quandry [09:47.18]Full of loathing and self-doubt [09:49.00]And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence [09:52.33] [09:53.11]At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that [09:55.74]Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up old universe of ours [09:59.17] [10:00.78]There's still a little place called [10:03.61]Albuquerque [10:06.66] [10:08.73]Albuquerque [10:11.64] [10:13.36]Albuquerque Albuquerque [10:15.68]Albuquerque Albuquerque [10:18.24]Albuquerque Albuquerque [10:20.74]Albuquerque Albuquerque [10:22.97] [10:23.78]I said A A [10:25.35]L L [10:26.53]B B [10:27.90]U U [10:29.00] [10:31.89]Querque querque [10:34.48] [10:38.36]Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque [10:40.69]Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque [10:43.25]Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque [10:45.81]Albuquerque Albuquerque [10:47.31]Albuquerque