The Heroin Diaries-Sixx A.M.

[ti:The Heroin Diaries] [ar:Sixx A.M.] [al:The Heroin Diaries] [by:] [offset:0] [00:00.00]The Heroin Diaries - Sixx A.M. [00:12.50]December 25th 1986 Van Nuys [00:16.03] [00:17.75]Merry Christmas [00:18.98]That's what people say at Christmas right [00:21.06] [00:21.77]Except normally they have someone to say it to [00:24.21]They have friends and family [00:26.02] [00:26.70]And they haven't been crouched naked under a Christmas tree [00:29.21]With a needle in their arm like an insane person [00:31.68]In a mansion in Van Nuys [00:33.29] [00:34.45]They're not out of their minds they're not writing in a diary [00:37.76]And they're definitely not watching their holiday [00:39.86]Spirit coagulate in a spoon [00:41.93] [00:42.60]I didn't speak to a single person today [00:45.20]I figured why should I ruin their f**king Christmas [00:47.90] [00:48.60]I've started a new diary and this time I have a few new reasons [00:52.88]One I have no friends left [00:54.92] [00:55.45]Two so I can read back and remember what I did the day before [00:58.90]And three so if I die [01:00.40]At least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life [01:03.48]It's just me and you diary welcome to my f**king life [01:07.52] [01:49.07]Nobody would believe the sh*t that happens in my head it's haunted [01:53.17] [01:53.73]Now that I've come down from the drugs [01:55.60]It seems like a sick play that I saw in a theater somewhere [01:59.31]Thirty minutes ago I could've killed somebady [02:02.10]Or better yet myself [02:04.18] [02:21.30]I don't want to die out here in the valley [02:25.99] [02:26.56]Waiting for my luck to change [02:29.42] [02:31.97]And I just want my dad to know [02:35.00]That I finally made it [02:37.65] [02:42.43]Everybody gets high [02:45.21]Everybody gets low [02:48.07]Everybody gets bruised [02:50.91]Everybody gets sold [02:53.52] [02:54.87]I don't want to die out here in the valley [03:00.41]You don't have to lie [03:03.05]I know that's what I'll do [03:05.56] [03:06.11]I don't want my mom to know [03:09.01]That I never loved my life [03:11.30]And I sold my soul [03:14.87] [03:16.45]Everybody gets high [03:19.14]Everybody gets low [03:21.91]Everybody gets bruised [03:24.78]Everybody gets sold [03:27.61]Everybody gets dark [03:30.41]Everybody unfolds [03:33.33]Everybody gets high [03:36.11]Everybody gets so low [03:39.57]And everyone's eyes are blue [03:44.25] [03:45.21]And everyone's mouth is dry [03:50.59]And nobody wants to die [03:56.14]In Van Nuys [03:59.44]Van Nuys [04:01.79]Everybody gets high [04:04.27]Everybody gets low [04:07.17]Everybody gets bruised [04:09.94]Everybody gets sold [04:12.73]Everybody gets [04:13.50]Well you don't know how to get back to your crawlspace [04:17.37]Underneath the dirt and the rust and the waste [04:20.48]But the sun sets fast these days [04:23.94] [04:24.84]Everyone's eyes are blue [04:29.66] [04:30.46]And everyone's mouth is dry [04:35.74]And nobody wants to die [04:41.35]In Van Nuys [04:44.58]Van Nuys [04:47.64]Everyone's eyes are blue [04:52.16] [04:53.07]And everyone's mouth is dry [04:58.10] [04:58.66]And nobody wants to die [05:04.15]In Van Nuys [05:07.22]Van [05:10.28]Everyone's eyes are blue [05:15.68]And everyone's mouth is dry [05:21.29]And nobody wants to die [05:26.52]In Van Nuys oh [05:33.58]Everyone's eyes are blue [05:37.92]And everyone's mouth is dry [05:43.91]And nobody wants to die [05:49.17]In Van Nuys [05:52.25] [05:52.77]Van Nuys [05:57.18] [06:34.23]You can't quit until you try [06:36.67]You can't live until you die [06:39.46]You can't learn to tell the truth [06:41.58]Until you learn to lie [06:44.89]You can't breathe until you choke [06:47.24]You gotta laugh when you're the joke [06:49.63]There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive [06:57.62]Just open your eyes [07:00.43]Just open your eyes [07:02.30]And see that life is beautiful [07:07.86]Will you swear on your life [07:10.74]That no one will cry at my funeral [07:20.49] [07:27.70]I know some things that you don't [07:30.10]I've done things that you won't [07:32.42]There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home [07:38.70]I was waiting for my hearse [07:41.12]What came next was so much worse [07:43.71]It took a funeral to make me feel alive [07:51.07]Just open your eyes [07:53.70]Just open your eyes [07:55.64]And see that life is beautiful [08:01.40]Will you swear on your life [08:04.22]That no one will cry at my funeral [08:13.80] [08:41.35]Alive [08:44.25]Just open your eyes [08:47.03]Just open your eyes [08:48.93]And see that life is beautiful [08:54.66]Will you swear on your life [08:57.53]That no one will cry at my funeral [09:05.68]Just open your eyes [09:08.13]Just open your eyes [09:10.29]And see that life is beautiful [09:15.58] [09:16.09]Will you swear on your life [09:18.99]That no one will cry at my funeral [09:29.00] [10:01.90]She lights a candle but she doesn't know why [10:05.42]She wants to save me but I'm barely alive [10:09.02]My soul is thirsty I just wanna get high [10:13.21]Make her go away [10:16.03] [10:17.42]Now I'm hitting the wall and she begs me to quit [10:21.01]And she drags me to church but I'm scared to commit [10:24.68]And I'm loosing my mind 'cause she hides all my sh*t [10:28.13]She won't go away [10:30.80] [10:31.90]And all I ask of her is [10:34.89]Pray for me [10:40.20]'Cause I don't want to [10:42.26]Pray for me [10:47.10] [10:47.64]If you love me [10:49.81]Cross your heart and hope that [10:52.27]I won't die before the best day of my life [11:00.15]Just pray for me tonight [11:06.13] [11:10.78]I dragged myself out of the bed that she made [11:14.41]And I escape her in a black motercade [11:18.08]She's pushing bibles and a clear bill of health [11:21.73]I can't make her go away [11:25.13] [11:26.37]Now I'm hitting the wall and she begs me to quit [11:30.02]And she drags me to church but I'm scared to commit [11:33.67]And I'm loosing my mind 'cause she hides all my sh*t [11:37.24]She won't go away [11:40.11] [11:40.99]And all I ask of her is [11:43.99]Pray for me [11:49.25]'Cause I don't want to [11:51.29]Pray for me [11:56.15] [11:56.82]If you love me [11:58.78]Cross your heart and hope that [12:01.31]I don't die before the best day of my life [12:09.17]Just pray for me tonight [12:15.30] [12:35.69]Now I'm hitting the wall and she begs me to quit [12:39.09]And she drags me to church but I'm scared to commit [12:42.67]And I'm loosing my mind 'cause she hides all my sh*t [12:46.79]And all I ask of her is [12:49.53]Pray for me [12:54.94]I don't want to [12:56.73]Pray for me [13:01.59] [13:02.26]If you love me [13:03.90]Cross your heart and hope that [13:06.74]I don't die before the best day of my life [13:16.92] [13:18.19]Pray for me tonight [13:25.93]Pray for me [13:31.38] [13:33.27]Pray for me tonight [13:40.55]Pray for me [13:46.10] [14:04.77]Where you gonna be tomorrow [14:07.55]How you gonna face the sorrow [14:10.45]Where you gonna be when you die [14:13.25] [14:15.90]'Cause nothing's gonna last forever [14:19.11]And things they change like the weather [14:22.00]They're gone in the blink of an eye [14:26.30] [14:27.22]Just look at yourself can you see where you are [14:33.20] [14:33.85]Look at yourself now you can't hide the scars [14:39.37]Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go [14:46.27]And you know [14:48.93] [14:49.76]Tomorrow [14:52.24] [14:52.83]You're gonna have to live with the things you say [14:55.58]Tomorrow [14:58.47]You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today [15:01.28]Tomorrow [15:04.33]And everything you do it's coming back for you [15:07.39]You'll never outrun what waits for you [15:10.16]Tomorrow [15:12.42] [15:14.80]And are you terrified by sadness [15:17.68]And have you given into madness [15:20.25]You're running out of places to hide [15:23.74] [15:26.12]'Cause everybody's got a reason [15:29.21]To justify how they're feelin' [15:32.42]Maybe you should open your eyes [15:36.30] [15:37.76]Just look at yourself do you like what you see [15:43.73]Look at yourself is this how it should be [15:49.60]Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go [15:56.22]And you'll know [15:59.16] [15:59.99]Tomorrow [16:02.76]You're gonna have to live with the things you say [16:05.80]Tomorrow [16:08.76]You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today [16:11.54]Tomorrow [16:14.52]And everything you do it's coming back for you [16:17.63]You'll never outrun what waits for you [16:20.38]Tomorrow [16:22.83]Are you waiting for the reason to change [16:28.85]Are you waiting for the end has it came [16:35.00]Nothing's gonna stand in your way [16:43.97] [16:45.46]Just look at yourself do you like what you see [16:51.32]Look at yourself is this how it should be [16:58.47] [17:01.50]Tomorrow [17:04.32]You're gonna have to live with the things you say [17:07.18]Tomorrow [17:10.12]You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today [17:13.03]Tomorrow [17:16.08]And everything you do it's coming back for you [17:19.07]You'll never outrun what waits for you [17:21.85]Tomorrow [17:24.82]You're gonna have to live with the things you say [17:27.61]Tomorrow [17:30.82]You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today [17:33.46]Tomorrow [17:36.55]You're gonna have to live with the things you say [17:39.36]Tomorrow [17:42.42]You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today [17:45.16]Tomorrow [17:48.25]You're gonna have to live with the things you say [17:51.08]Tomorrow [17:53.85] [17:57.77]Don't give up it takes a while [18:03.15] [18:03.76]I have seen this look before [18:09.78] [18:10.36]And it's alright [18:13.25]You're not alone [18:16.48]If you don't love this anymore [18:22.73]I hear that you've slipped again [18:27.29] [18:29.04]I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend [18:36.67] [18:37.29]And you know that accidents can happen [18:43.08]And it's okay [18:46.89]We all fall off the wagon sometimes [18:51.47]It's not your whole life [18:54.81]It's only one day [18:58.10]You haven't thrown everything away [19:04.04] [19:11.29]Take some time learn to breathe [19:16.95] [19:17.49]And remember what it means [19:23.71]To feel alive [19:26.47] [19:27.08]And to believe [19:29.53] [19:30.24]Something more than what you see [19:36.29]I know there's a price for this [19:40.94] [19:42.63]But some things in life you must resist [19:50.37] [19:50.91]And you know that accidents can happen [19:56.66]And it's okay [20:00.48]We all fall off the wagon sometimes [20:05.07]It's not your whole life [20:08.32]It's only one day [20:11.49]You haven't thrown everything away [20:20.93] [20:43.49]I hear that you've slipped again [20:48.11] [20:49.84]I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend [20:57.88]And you know that accidents can happen [21:03.90]And it's okay [21:07.66]We all fall off the wagon sometimes [21:12.37]It's not your whole life [21:15.54]It's only one day [21:18.67]You haven't thrown everything away [21:23.77]You know that accidents can happen [21:29.53]And it's okay [21:33.27]We all fall off the wagon sometimes [21:37.90]It's not your whole life [21:41.27]It's only one day [21:44.44]You haven't thrown everything away [21:51.20]So don't give up [21:53.76] [21:54.44]It takes a while [21:58.12] [22:27.24]When I first placed my hands [22:28.34]On these diaries scraps of paper [22:31.09]There were notes and scribbles [22:32.85]And all kinds of sh*t [22:34.03] [22:34.84]A lot of feelings came bubbling up [22:36.67]But mostly this one [22:37.90] [22:39.17]How the hell am I still alive [22:40.74] [22:41.46]That's what I think everyday [22:42.96] [22:43.82]But more of that later [22:45.42]After all this is just the intermission [22:48.01] [24:35.81]Oh no how could this happen to [24:40.96] [24:41.70]Such an amazing young boy [24:45.50]I had my whole life ahead of me [24:51.34] [25:05.36]Oh God how could you have let this [25:10.26]Happen to such a lovely young child [25:15.28]I was their only son and I tried [25:21.50]Tried tried [25:25.11]Come on [25:25.56]Come on get out of the way [25:26.73]Get out of the way man [25:27.91]You're going to have to let go of his arm [25:29.76]You have to let go Sir [25:31.46]We've got about two minutes here [25:32.91]We've got about two minutes and we're going to lose him [25:34.88]Yeah you you miserable father [25:39.70]The one who ignored me for half of my life [25:45.06]Now I I can't even look at you [25:50.00]Why why why [25:55.44]Don't abandon me now [25:58.68] [25:59.51]I don't want to die [26:03.13] [26:04.12]You can lead him to the ambulance [26:14.08]But you cannot make him live [26:21.44] [26:22.52]No you cannot make me live [26:25.08]Lead him to the ambulance [26:33.63]Lead me home [26:37.26]Make him live [26:43.67] [26:54.63]Would could I have done differently [26:59.54]You never said there was anything wrong [27:04.49]Now the drugs they give me encouragement [27:09.51]Why why why [27:14.37] [27:24.44]Oh God tell me I'll make it [27:28.93]I'll give you my blood if that's all you need [27:34.26]Just don't tell me that I'm gonna die [27:40.59]Die die [27:44.63]Don't abandon me now [27:47.96] [27:48.82]I don't want to die [27:51.92] [27:54.06]Alone [28:02.32] [28:03.52]You can lead him to the ambulance [28:12.76] [28:13.30]But you cannot make him live [28:20.36] [28:21.55]No you cannot make me live [28:24.36]Lead him [28:27.55]Why can't we celebrate lead me home [28:36.68]Make him live [28:42.83] [28:43.80]La la la la la la la la la la [28:48.73]La la la la la la la la la la [28:53.80]La la la la la la la la la la [28:58.66]La la la la la la la la [29:03.67]La la la la la la la la la la [29:08.62]La la la la la la la la la la [29:13.69]La la la la la la la la la la [29:18.53]La la la la la la la la [29:23.67]La la la la la la la la la la [29:28.36]La la la la la la la la la la [29:33.49]La la la la la la la la la la [29:38.39]La la la la [29:41.57] [30:05.31]When I think back on this life [30:07.13]I guess we were doing the best we could [30:09.09] [30:10.09]And to look at us from the outside [30:11.94]I'm sure it seems somewhat romantic [30:14.41]But when you've tasted excess [30:16.11] [30:16.72]Everything else tastes bland [30:18.54] [30:19.46]Yeah we had everything to lose [30:21.55]But we still lived like we were about to die [30:24.22]After all we were the drug scouts of America [30:28.12] [30:54.48]I've begun evaporating [30:59.90]Right before your eyes [31:03.89] [31:05.69]I just keep regurgitating [31:10.01] [31:11.35]My own demise [31:15.36] [31:17.12]I miss today I miss the past [31:20.32]I miss my veins 'cause they've collapsed [31:23.32]A simple thought occurs to me [31:27.19]I'm face down on the tracks [31:31.11]The train is coming fast [31:34.70]And it's not derailing [31:39.77]It's not the first time [31:42.66]And this won't be the last [31:45.73] [31:46.35]That my heart is failing [31:51.59] [32:01.57]As the blood is rushing [32:05.72]To my head [32:08.25]And from my wrists [32:11.40] [32:12.82]I'm in love with all the things I know I should resist [32:22.35] [32:24.26]And all the times you said to me [32:27.64]Your falling down ones destiny [32:30.50]A simple thought occurs to me [32:34.34]I'm face down on the tracks [32:38.30]The train is coming fast [32:41.79]And you're right there waiting [32:46.99]It's not the first time [32:49.79]And this won't be the last [32:52.75] [32:53.47]That my heart is failing [32:58.24]Like I was saying [32:59.25]The look in the eyes of death [33:00.75]Was intoxicating [33:02.34]Taking it into our lungs [33:04.20]Laughing at ourselves [33:05.19]Where others would probably cry [33:07.07]And more importantly [33:08.19]I'm proud of this guy [33:09.76]Staring face to face with the demons [33:11.55]And not back down [33:12.94]Takes a constitution that most people just don't have [33:16.36]A life gets soiled with sex drugs and rock and roll [33:20.71] [33:45.78]I'm face down on the tracks [33:49.89]The train is coming fast [33:52.87] [33:53.58]And it's not derailing [33:58.38]It's not the first time [34:01.30]And this won't be the last [34:04.31] [34:05.06]That my heart is failing [34:08.58]I'm face down on the tracks [34:12.75]The train is coming fast [34:16.13]And you're right there waiting [34:20.68] [34:21.24]It's not the first time [34:24.09]And this won't be the last [34:27.09] [34:27.66]That my heart is failing [34:33.13] [35:03.57]She speaks to me in Persian [35:06.70]Tells me that she loves me [35:09.74]The girl with golden eyes [35:12.76] [35:15.90]And though I hardly know her [35:19.40]I let her in my veins [35:22.38]And trust her with my life [35:26.03] [35:28.31]I wish I had never kissed her [35:31.72]'Cause I just can't resist her [35:34.92]The girl with golden eyes [35:38.10] [35:41.32]Every time she whispers [35:44.61]Take me in your arms [35:47.43]The way you did last night [35:50.72]Everything will be okay [35:55.07] [35:57.00]Everything will be alright [36:01.83] [36:03.02]If I can get away from her [36:07.50] [36:09.10]And save my worthless life [36:13.63] [36:18.99]I wake up every morning [36:22.09]Jonesing for her love [36:24.51] [36:25.07]The girl with golden eyes [36:28.27] [36:31.21]I won't have to wait long [36:34.29]'Til she buries me with roses [36:37.36]'Cause she's always by my side [36:41.07]Everything will be okay [36:45.25] [36:47.23]Everything will be alright [36:51.99] [36:53.14]If I can get away from her [36:57.77] [36:59.38]And save my worthless life [37:05.28] [37:06.15]Day one d**e free I went to the clinic today [37:09.67]And got the first dose of methadone [37:11.43] [37:12.06]I'm out of d**e so I threw away all my rigs [37:14.37] [37:14.91]Day two I can't believe it's been two days without junk [37:18.71]F**king smack it just ruins peoples' lives [37:21.77]At first it seems so sweet and then you wake up next to a monster [37:25.93] [37:26.50]Day three I haven't had anything for three days now [37:30.25]This withdrawal is killing me it's like shock therapy to my guts [37:35.40] [37:35.99]Day four last visit to the clinic my whole body feels like [37:40.66]It's cracking into pieces [37:42.47]Fragile doesn't even come close to describing how I feel [37:45.55]Day five I'm sick as a dog but this handful of painkillers [37:48.49] [37:48.99]And a lotta whiskey's gonna get me through [37:51.30]Day six when I'm left to my own devices I go f**king insane [37:56.11]I'll never use heroin again [37:58.31]Day seven I can't believe I'm clean [38:01.56]Day eight everyone says I look better [38:04.59]Day nine the parasites are panicking [38:06.90]Day ten they seem amazed that I'm alive [38:09.26]Everything will be okay [38:13.67] [38:15.03]Everything will be alright [38:20.60] [38:21.17]If I can get away from her [38:26.29] [38:27.22]And save my worthless life [38:33.66]Everything will be okay [38:38.77] [38:40.20]Everything will be alright [38:46.33]If I can get away from her [38:51.35] [38:52.28]And save my worthless life [38:57.91] [39:56.84]Well you found me but I don't know [40:05.86] [40:06.80]Why you wanna save me [40:13.75] [40:15.56]Well God is great and God is good [40:23.06]But God didn't help me when he could [40:28.14] [40:29.06]And life dances so lonely by [40:40.12]This is just a courtesy call [40:43.25]This is just a matter of policy [40:46.23]This is just an act of kindness [40:48.40]To let you know that your time is up [40:51.17] [40:52.22]This is just a courtesy call [40:55.27]This is just a matter of policy [40:58.27]This is just an act of kindness [41:00.40]To let you know that your time is up [41:03.89] [41:16.04]I I can't feel anything [41:21.69] [41:22.95]My arms are numb and I'm hoping [41:30.79]You noticed the line I left off [41:39.65] [41:40.20]All that you'll find inside [41:42.73]Are bells and butterflies [41:46.12]But I'll be smiling when I die [41:50.70]Hey [41:52.24]This is just a courtesy call [41:55.25]This is just a matter of policy [41:58.14]This is just an act of kindness [42:00.55]To let you know that your time is up [42:03.25] [42:04.20]This is just a courtesy call [42:07.24]This is just a matter of policy [42:10.28]This is just an act of kindness [42:12.56]To let you know that your time is up [42:15.24] [42:16.28]This is just a courtesy call [42:19.23]This is just a matter of policy [42:22.25]This is just an act of kindness [42:24.48]To let you know that your time is up [42:27.26] [42:58.28]This is just a courtesy call [43:01.31]This is just a matter of policy [43:04.25]This is just an act of kindness [43:06.51]To let you know that your time is up [43:09.19] [43:10.26]This is just a courtesy call [43:13.24]This is just a matter of policy [43:16.28]This is just an act of kindness [43:18.46]To let you know that your time is up [43:21.15] [43:22.21]This is just a courtesy call [43:24.20]Why'd you want to save me [43:25.26]This is just a matter of policy [43:26.89]Why'd you want to save me now [43:28.81]This is just an act of kindness [43:30.05]What'd you want to do it for [43:31.13]To let you know that your time is up [43:33.23] [43:34.06]This is just a courtesy call [43:37.17]Why would you wanna save my life [43:40.12]I know you did or you could [43:41.83]It's been comin' for a long time long time [43:44.89] [43:54.86]I apologize [43:57.52] [44:00.13]That your memory serves you more than I can now [44:05.88] [44:08.40]You'll have to make sense of my life somehow [44:14.73] [44:16.36]Yeah somehow [44:20.46] [44:26.44]Well I close my eyes [44:30.41] [44:32.36]Remove each piece of armor one by one [44:38.25] [44:40.26]Inhale this moment deep into my lungs [44:46.32] [44:48.78]Make amends for all I've done [44:53.25] [44:56.79]Yeah yeah yeah [44:59.55]All of my devils are free at last [45:06.94] [45:08.35]And all my secrets revealed [45:13.32] [45:16.30]And your permission is all I [45:21.47]Need to heal [45:24.58] [45:30.91]Well how long have I [45:34.41] [45:36.38]Been sitting here I must have drifted off [45:41.32] [45:44.24]I cannot finish any of my thoughts [45:50.31] [45:52.56]Forgive me for my wayward shot [45:57.65] [46:00.79]Yeah yeah yeah [46:03.36]All of my devils are free at last [46:11.16] [46:12.35]And all my secrets revealed [46:17.37] [46:20.23]And your permission is all I [46:25.58]Need to heal [46:28.58] [46:32.57]I wake up in the morning and it comes back to you [46:36.42]I breathe in I breathe out it comes back to you [46:40.35]I stare up at the ceiling and it comes back to you [46:44.37]I step out my front door and it comes back to you [46:48.56]The end of my driveway it comes back to you [46:52.37]Brakelights on the highway it comes back to you [46:56.09]I could die in Los Angeles [46:58.49]It would come back to you [47:01.44]Yeah [47:03.85] [47:07.62]All of my devils they are free at last oh [47:15.65] [47:16.32]And all my secrets are revealed yeah [47:22.17] [47:24.17]And your permission is all that I [47:28.78]I need to feel [47:32.21] [47:36.69]All of my devils they are free at last oh [47:43.88] [47:44.40]And all my secrets are revealed yes they are [47:51.02] [47:52.27]And your permission is all that I need [47:58.75] [48:49.56]So here at the end [48:50.39]And at the same time we're at the beginning [48:52.33]Of this misadventure [48:53.72] [48:54.48]Why I had to go down a dead end street [48:56.24]At 200 miles an hour [48:57.87]Screaming for vengeance and embracing death [48:59.97]That's something I'm still trying to figure out [49:02.44] [49:03.16]You know a part of me thinks this is some big master plan [49:06.30]To expose the raw nerve endings of dysfunction so I can heal [49:09.95] [49:10.53]But you know addicts we think everything's about us don't we [49:14.35] [49:40.74]Man it got so convoluted polluted and distorted [49:44.40]I ran with the only information I was given [49:46.59] [49:47.14]I turned it into my armor my defense mechanism [49:50.45]And my weapon of self destruction [49:52.06] [49:52.83]Yeah I had a f**ked up childhood [49:55.15]And I was a troubled teen those are facts [49:57.44] [49:58.12]How I got there that's a story told by many voices [50:01.50]It's not my job to blame anybody anymore [50:04.12]I just need to accept the path I was given [50:06.85]This is without a doubt my life after death