You Won't Succeed On Broadway-David Hyde Pierce/Todd Ellison

Have you heard of this Broadway Yes sire and we don't stand a chance there Why not Because Broadway is a very special place Filled with very special people People who can sing and dance often at the same time They are a different people a multi-talented people A people who need people and who are in many ways the Luckiest people in the world I'm sorry sire but we don't stand a chance But why Well let me put it like this In any great adventure If you don't want to lose Victory depends upon the people that you choose So listen Arthur darling closely to this news We won't succeed on Broadway If we don't have any Jews You may have the finest sets Fill the stage with penthouse pets You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes You my dance and you may sing But I'm sorry Arthur king You'll hear no cheers Just lots and lots of boos Boo You may have butch men by the score Whom the audience adore You may even have some animals from zoos Though you've holes and krauts instead You may have unlevened bread But I tell you you are dead If you don't have any Jews They won't care if it's witty Or everything looks pretty They'll simply say it's shitty and profuse Nobody will go sir If it's not kosher then no show sir Even Goyem won't be dim enough to choose Put on shows that make men stare With lots of girls in underwear You may even have the finest of reviews You're doing great The audiences won't care sir As long as you don't dare sir To open up on Broadway If you don't have any Jews You may have dramatic lighting Or lots of horrid fighting You may even have some white men sing the blues Your knights might be nice boys But sadly we're all goys And that noise that you call singing you must lose So despite your pretty lights And naughty girls in nasty tights And the most impressive scenery you use You may have dancing mana-mano You may bring on a piano But they will not give a damn-o If you don't have any Jews You may fill your play with gays Have Nigerian girls in stays You may even have some schizas making stews You haven't got a clue If you don't have a Jew All of your investments you are going to lose There's a very small percentile Who enjoys a dancing gentile I'm sad to be the one with this bad news But never mind your swordplay You just won't succeed on Broadway You just won't succeed on Broadway If you don't have any Jews Arthur can you hear me To get along on Broadway To sing a song on Broadway To hit the top on Broadway and not lose I tell you Arthur king There is one essential thing There simply must be simply must be Jews There simply must be Arthur trust me Simply must be Jews