Election Special-Monty Python

Linkman：Hello/good evening and welcome to Election Night Special There's tremendous excitement here at The moment and we should be getting the first results Through any moment now we're not sure where it will be From it might be leicester or from west byfleet the Polling's been quite heavy in both areas ah I'm just Getting I'm just getting a buzzing noise in my Left ear urgh argh Removes insect and stamps on It And now let's go straight over to leicester Norman：And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and We're expecting the result any moment now there with The returning officer is arthur smith the sensible Candidate and next to him is jethro q walrustitty the Silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife Officer：Here is the result for Leicester Arthur J Smith Linkman： Sensible Party Officer：30612 Applause Jethro Q Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty Linkman： Silly Party Officer：33108 Applause Linkman：Well there we have the first result of the Election and the silly party has held leicester Norman Norman：Well pretty much as I predicted/except that The silly party won er I think this is largely due to The number of votes cast gerald Gerald：Well there's a big swing here to the Silly Party but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you Norman：I think one should point out that in this Constituency since the last election a lot of very Silly people have moved into new housing estates with The result that a lot of sensible voters have moved Further down the road the other side of number er 29 Linkman：Well I can't add anything to that Colin Colin：Can I just say that this is the first time I've Been on television Linkman：No I'm sorry/there isn't time/we're just Going straight over to luton Gerald：Well here at Luton it's a three cornered Contest between from left to right alan jones Sensible Party Tarquin Fin tim lin bin lim bim bim Bim bim bus stop f'tang f'tang ol¨Ś biscuitbarrel Silly Party And Kevin Phillips Bong who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket And here's the result Woman：Alan Jones Linkman： Sensible Woman：9112 Kevin Phillips Bong Linkman： Slightly Silly Woman：Nought Tarquin Fin tim lin bin whin bim lin bim bus stop F'tang F'tang Ol¨Ś Biscuitbarrel Linkman： Silly Woman：12441 Applause Linkman：Well there you have it/the first result of The election as the silly party take luton norman Norman：Well this is a very significant result Luton Normally a very sensible constituency with a high Proportion of people who aren't a bit silly has gone Completely ga ga Linkman：And we've just heard that James Gilbert has With him the winning silly candidate at luton James：Tarquin/are you pleased with this result Tarquin：Ho yus/me old beauty/I should say so Silly Noises including a goat bleating Linkman：And do we have the swing at Luton Gerald：Er no Pause Linkman：Right/well I can't add anything to that Colin Colin：Can I just say that this is the second time I've Been on television Linkman：No/I'm sorry there isn't time/we're just About to get another result Norman：And this one is from Harpenden Southeast A Very interesting constituency this：in addition to the Official silly candidate there is an unofficial very Silly candidate in the slab of concrete and he could Well split the silly vote here at harpenden southeast Voice over：Mrs Elsie Zzzz Linkman： Silly Voice over：26317 Applause Jeanette Walker Linkman： Sensible Voice over：26318 Linkman：That was very close Voice over：Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrrooo Norman Michael Rings bell Blows whistle Edward Sounds car horn Does train impersonation Sounds Buzzer Thomas moo Sings Ł˘we'll keep a welcome in The Ł˘ Fires gun William Descending swanee whistle Ł˘Raindrops keep falling on myŁ˘ Ascending swanee Whistle Ł˘don't sleep in the subwayŁ˘ Cuckoo cuckoo Naaooo Smith Linkman： Very Silly Voice over：two Linkman：Well there you have it/a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly vote being split Norman：And we've just heard from Luton that Tony Stratton Smith has with him there the unsuccessful Slightly Silly candidate Kevin Phillips Bong Tony：Kevin Phillips Bong You polled no votes at all Not a sausage Bugger all Are you at all disappointed With this performance Phillips Bong：Not at all As I always say： Climb every mountain Ford every stream Follow every by way Till you find your dream Sings： A dream that will last All the love you can give Every day of your life For as long as you live All together now Climb every mountain Ford every stream Linkman：A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there Norman Norman：And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is I'll possibly gastro enteritis possibly just catarrh Gerald Linkman：Right Er/Colin Colin：Can I just say that I'll never appear on Television again Linkman：No I'm sorry/there isn't time/we have to Pick up a few results you may have missed a little Pink p***y cat has taken barrow in furness that's a Gain from the liberals there rastus odinga odinga has Taken wolverhampton southwest that's enoch powell's Old constituency an important gain there for darkie Power Arthur Negus has held Bristols that's not a Result that's just a bit of gossip sir alec douglas Hume has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party A small Piece of putty about that big a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two frogs one called Kipper the other one Not have all gone Ł˘ni ni ni ni ni ni ni Ł˘ in Blackpool Central And so it's beginning to look like a Silly landslide and with the prospect of five more Years' silly government facing us we oh I don't want To do this any more I'm bored Norman：He's right you know/it is a bloody waste of Time Gerald：Absolute waste of time Norman：I wanted to be a gynaecologist