The Wife of Bath's Tale-Baba Brinkman

[ti:The Wife of Bath's Tale] [ar:Baba Brinkman] [al:The Rap Canterbury Tales] [by:] [offset:0] [00:00.00]The Wife of Bath's Tale - Baba Brinkman [00:11.51]Back in the days of the dark ages [00:13.36] [00:13.88]When king arthur made his mark and courageous [00:16.68]Knights with tight young pages embarked [00:18.80] [00:19.57]On outrageous quests and fought for ladies hearts [00:22.26]The shady parts among the hills and knolls [00:24.90]Were filled with fairies elves and trolls [00:27.00] [00:27.65]And dwarves were known to dwell in holes [00:30.13]And nymphs to succor willing souls [00:32.24] [00:33.05]These thrilling folds in time emerged as [00:36.19]Badly out of line with churches [00:37.52] [00:38.50]Which cursed all fairy kind and purged us [00:41.61]To cleanse us of our primal urges [00:43.31] [00:44.22]To try and discourage us from growing tense [00:46.32] [00:46.85]The hills were filled with holy men [00:49.56]And now women could lie alone content [00:51.74] [00:52.61]Without the old incubi only them [00:54.82] [00:55.45]And so it went that from king arthur's court [00:58.02]A strong young warrior marched his horse [01:00.66]And through the woods he charted his course [01:02.62] [01:03.41]And he met a young girl in the heart of the forest [01:06.37]And with heartless force in less than a minute he [01:09.02] [01:09.54]Committed an act of criminal obscenity [01:10.80] [01:11.58]And since there was no one else in the vicinity [01:14.46]No one prevented him from taking her virginity [01:16.50] [01:18.23]This sinister deed was so repugnant [01:20.05] [01:20.78]That the knight was thrown in the castle dungeon [01:23.58]To await judgement but what should be done with him [01:27.96] [01:28.55]King arthur favoured capital punishment [01:30.18] [01:30.98]A tactic of governments that live in fear [01:33.70]But the queen gwenevere whispered in his ear [01:36.74]My lord his remorse is not insincere [01:38.62] [01:39.40]I suggest we let the poor kid live a year [01:42.11]In fact give him here let me deal with him [01:45.99]And king arthur granted her appeal a decision [01:48.86]That revealed he was a man of vision and real wisdom [01:51.19] [01:52.12]That is a husband able to still listen [01:54.38] [01:56.10]And from his steel prison the knight was brought [01:58.60]To the queen who said boy you're in a tight spot [02:01.47]Your guilt is certain but your life is not [02:04.25]Your head might head right to the chopping block [02:06.82]Or you might just walk and get clemency [02:08.98] [02:09.69]But only if you can tell me what women need [02:13.03] [02:15.21]Answer me what it is every woman's tendency [02:18.14]To want and I'll suspend sentencing [02:19.88] [02:20.98]Now let your penance bring you some cheer [02:22.86] [02:23.49]Come here again after one year [02:26.29]And then I want to hear from you some clear [02:29.01]Response now I suggest you run dear [02:31.85]And gwenevere gave him his walking papers [02:33.57] [02:34.58]And the knight thanked her and set off on this caper [02:37.41]To save his life and began to talk to his neighbours [02:40.10]Wives and got them to list off their favourites [02:42.74]Like a census taker he took to the streets [02:45.53]And spent a year asking every woman he'd meet [02:48.15]If you could have just one thing what would it be [02:51.74] [02:53.84]But you wouldn't believe the diversity [02:55.14] [02:56.38]They just couldn't agree once asked [02:58.54] [02:59.28]Some said this and some said that [03:01.70]They said confidence compliments comfort class [03:05.17] [03:06.02]Compassion fashion or for their passion to come back [03:09.34] [03:10.66]And as the months passed the knight realized [03:13.12]That he would soon be deceased unless he arrived [03:15.82]At a conclusion and he badly needed to be advised [03:18.58]Cause with all this confusion he could only theorize [03:20.74] [03:21.39]And he wouldn't be alive to end the debate [03:23.31] [03:23.90]And after eleven months and twenty six days [03:26.88]He still wasn't sure what he intended to say [03:29.54]As he headed back to the court to be handed his fate [03:32.78]And what could stand in his way on the road home [03:36.67]The knight ran into an ugly old crone [03:38.55] [03:39.33]Whose face was so wrinkled he thought it had no bones [03:42.25]And as he passed she heard a low moan [03:44.68]And asked so alone without any company [03:46.71] [03:47.51]Something's eating you boy anyone can see [03:49.66] [03:50.31]But what could upset someone so young and sweet [03:52.48] [03:53.24]It's gonna be okay son you can come to me [03:55.87]If you need comforting [03:56.76] [03:58.77]And the knight was so distressed [04:00.28]That he lowered his defenses and took a load off his chest [04:03.16]And wept and told the oldest woman he'd met [04:05.68]The whole messy story of his hopeless quest [04:07.66] [04:08.26]And the approach of his death and when she got the gist [04:11.17]Of his predicament she said promise me this [04:13.28] [04:15.00]The next thing I ask for you'll honestly give [04:17.25] [04:17.95]And I'll tell you what the answer to your quandary is [04:20.43] [04:22.32]As long as I live the knight frantically stressed [04:24.89]I promise if I can I'll grant your request [04:27.07] [04:27.65]And with that she laid the man's panic to rest [04:30.19]And taught him the bottom line the way to answer best [04:33.24]The standing question that had been on his mind [04:35.81]Like how in god's name do you please womankind [04:37.99] [04:38.57]The knight had spent a year listening blind [04:40.71] [04:41.24]To opinions and found all women differently inclined [04:43.32] [04:44.07]But when his time was finally expired [04:46.12] [04:46.94]Again the knight stood in the line of fire [04:49.57]Before the court and queen in their fine attire [04:51.99] [04:52.51]And he said strike me dead if you think I'm a liar [04:55.10] [04:55.70]Women desire to have sovereignty [04:57.12] [04:57.92]Over their loves and to have their husbands be [05:00.76]Happy if wives live above them free [05:02.57] [05:04.56]Now is there any woman here who doesn't agree [05:06.81] [05:12.01]And everyone could see that the knight had it right [05:14.59]And he didn't deserve to be sacrificed [05:16.44] [05:17.20]And the queen was about to give him back his life [05:19.99]When at that precise moment that old nasty wife [05:22.12] [05:22.92]Who just last night was so happy to save him [05:25.48]She stood up and smiled with the face of a raisin [05:28.33]And said he just recited the answer I gave him [05:30.85]Now he owes me a favour and I'm ready for payment [05:32.95] [05:33.80]And instead of evasion the knight cheerfully [05:36.27]Agreed fair is fair what kind of care do you need [05:39.64]And she turned to the queen and said ooh he's very sweet [05:42.29]And I'll get all the care I need when he marries me [05:44.64] [05:47.49]The knight stared in disbelief at the smiling face [05:50.35]Of this tiny old granny of at least ninety eight [05:53.10]Whose eye kept climbing his thighs in a slimy way [05:55.68] [05:56.20]And he realized there was no line of escape [05:58.85]Though he still tried to beg and barter and plead [06:01.57]And he offered the deed to his father's property [06:03.96]And sobbed take whatever you want please [06:05.59] [06:06.31]Impoverish me just let my body go free [06:09.17] [06:10.84]But it was obvious she needed no persuading [06:13.24] [06:13.88]She said oh baby you know I'm an old lady [06:16.50]Decades over eighty there's no way you can pay me [06:19.49]Enough now take me before I go crazy [06:21.13] [06:23.14]And since there was no debating the knight refused to get [06:26.36]Too upset for fear he might lose his head [06:28.42] [06:29.10]And that very same night the I do's were said [06:32.09]And with the queen's blessing the two were wed [06:34.34]And went straight to their bed and began undressing [06:36.59] [06:37.28]But when his manly flesh felt those wrinkled hands caressing [06:39.58]The knight decided he just couldn't stand the rest [06:42.57]And he cried I can't handle this it's scandalous [06:44.93] [06:46.89]And his wife grinned with lips like an empty cave [06:50.12] [06:51.13]And asked is this how all men behave [06:53.28] [06:53.89]On their wedding day when their lives have been saved [06:56.57]By their wives and they've escaped knives with thin blades [06:59.50]Other knights have been brave when their freedom's suspended [07:02.05]But I can see by your face that you believe I've offended [07:04.85]You though I never intended to perhaps it can be mended [07:07.57]Just tell me what I did and I'll try to amend it [07:10.14]When this marriage is ended then I think I'll be happy [07:13.17]Said the knight cause you're low class wrinkled and nasty [07:15.58]The type that would do anything to entrap me [07:18.54]And she asked do you really find these things distracting [07:21.57]When we're interacting [07:22.75] [07:24.65]Definitely [07:24.90] [07:25.58]Said the knight how else would you expect it to be [07:28.14]And she said then all I ask is that you listen to me [07:31.05]And we'll see if after you think differently [07:32.92] [07:33.87]You've given me two reasons why you can't love me [07:36.71]You find me disgusting because I'm low class and ugly [07:39.52]Well as for low class you can't rashly judge me [07:42.04]Class is just something that holds us back and nothing [07:44.94]Goes bad as fast as the souls of nobility [07:46.90] [07:47.74]Whose workloads leave them with gold but no ability [07:50.65]To show compassion cash but no humility [07:53.33]Besides with the middle class and upward mobility [07:55.95]The only gentility left with any importance [07:58.13]Proceeds from a person's actions not their fortunes [08:01.28]So no more ill inform class distortions [08:03.64] [08:04.29]And as for the fact that I'm not exactly gorgeous [08:06.97]Perhaps you're just gonna have to be grateful [08:08.92] [08:09.66]That you're in a marriage that you're actually able [08:12.33]To trust cause I pretty much have to be faithful [08:14.81] [08:15.63]But if you'd rather have me attractive just say so [08:18.72] [08:19.25]Cause I can magically change to the shape of a blushing [08:22.09]Young maid with a face that's both graceful and lovely [08:24.86]But in that case you'll never be able to trust me [08:27.50] [08:28.16]Would you rather a sexy disgracefully lusty [08:30.33] [08:31.28]Insatiable slut finding ways to annoy you [08:33.98]Who raises up your jealous rage to a boil [08:37.04]Or would you rather have me this age and loyal [08:40.52] [08:41.67]But the knight couldn't say which would make this enjoyable [08:44.22]And which would spoil the mood and he sighed [08:46.14] [08:47.94]You are truly wise my toothless bride [08:50.19] [08:51.46]I think you should choose between the two sides [08:53.98]And I'll make do with whatever you decide [08:55.93] [08:56.88]And as soon as the knight let his wife get control [08:59.30]Of his life and truly decided to let go [09:01.41] [09:02.12]The next moment she changed from a gray decrepit old [09:05.31]Creature to a young lady with such incredible [09:07.33]Features the knight was speechless and stood in a trance [09:10.04] [09:10.59]More deeply enchanted each time he took in a glance [09:13.26]And his wife saw his standing as stiff as a wooden lance [09:15.76] [09:16.71]And said few understand the union of woman and man [09:20.25] [09:21.27]Common sense says we should be treated the same [09:24.13]But what's really needed to keep people sane [09:25.97]Is for men to treat women like queens with free domain [09:29.01] [09:29.81]And as soon as you agreed to give me the reigns [09:32.42]It allowed me to change and become graceful and beautiful [09:35.62]And young and still remain faithful and dutiful [09:38.21]Cause you'll never make me behave in an unsuitable [09:40.69]Way now that you understand the undisputable [09:43.15]Root of all happy relationships [09:44.23] [09:45.92]And with that she leaned forward and gave him a kiss [09:48.81]And the knight was bathed in a sense of weightlessness [09:51.08] [09:51.88]And they lived out the rest of their days in bliss