Who's On First-Abbott

Who's on First - Abbott Abbott: How do you...how do you like my lawn club for St. Lou? Costello: Hey, all those people gonna be at the game today? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: Ah, this is gonna be a whopper of a game! Abbott: Well it should be. Costello: Hey, Abbott... Abbott: What? Costello: I understand they made you the manager of this here whole great team. Abbott: Why not? Costello: So you the manager? Abbott: I'm the manager! Costello: Well, you know, I'd like to know some of the guys' names on the team so when I meet 'em on the street or in the ballpark I'll be able to say, "Hello," to those people. Abbott: Why sure I'll introduce you to the boys. They give 'em funny names though, St. Lou. Costello: Oh I know they give those ball players awful funny names. Abbott: Well, let's see, on the team we have uh Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third... Costello: Are you the manager? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You know the guys' names? Abbott: I sure do. Costello: Then tell me the guys' names. Abbott: I say, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third and then you... Costello: You the manager? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You know the guys' names? Abbott: I'm telling you their names! Costello: Well who's on first? Abbott: Yeah. Costello: Go ahead and tell me. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy playin' first base. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: Who is on first! Costello: What are you askin' me for? I'm askin' you! Abbott: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Costello: You ain't tellin' me nothin'. I'm askin' you, who's on first? Abbott: That's it! Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: Who! Costello: The guy on first base. Abbott: That's his name. Costello: That's whose name? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: That's the man's name! Costello: That's whose name? Abbott: Yeah! Costello: Well go ahead and tell me! Abbott: Who is on first. Costello: What are you askin' me for? I'm askin' you, who's on first? Abbott: That's it. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: That's it. Costello: What's the guy's name on first? Abbott: No, What's on second. Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second! Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: That's what I'm askin' you! Who's on first? Abbott: Now wait a minute. Don't...don't change the players. Costello: I'm not changin' nobody! I asked you a simple question. What's the guys' name on first base? Abbott: What's the guy's name on second base. Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second! Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's on third. Now we're not talking about him. Costello: Look, you got a first baseman? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Then tell me the fella's name playin' first. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy playin' first. Abbott: That's his name. Costello: Wait...What's the guy's name on first base? Abbott: What is the guy's name on second base! Costello: Who's playin' second? Abbott: Who's playin' first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's on third base. Costello: Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month, who do you pay the money to? Abbott: Every dollar of it. Costello: Yeah. Look, you gotta pay the money to somebody on first base, don't you? Abbott: Yeah. Costello: Does he give you a receipt? Abbott: Sure. Costello: How does he sign the receipt? Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy that you give the money to. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy you give the money to. Abbott: That's how he signs it. Costello: That's how who signs it? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me!? Abbott: That's it. Costello: That's who? Abbott: Yeah. Costello: When you give the guy the money, doesn't he have to sign the receipt? Abbott: He does! Costello: Well how does he sign his name? Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy you give the money to. Abbott: That's how he signs it! Costello: You! You...You just don't give money to someone without having 'em sign the receipt! Abbott: No! Who signs it. Costello: What are you askin' me for? Abbott: Now calm down. I'm not asking you, I am telling you. The... Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. What's the guy's name that signs the receipt on first base? Abbott: Well now wait a minute. What signs his own receipt. Costello: Who signs his own receipt? Abbott: No, Who signs his. Costello: I'm askin' you, when the guy on first base gives you a piece of paper... Abbott: Yes, now wait... Costello: ...he puts his name on it. Abbott: No, Who puts his name on it... Costello: How... Abbott: ...and what puts his name on it... Costello: How does the fella's name on first base look to you when he signs his name? Abbott: Who. Costello: To you. Abbott: That's how it does. Costello: How does it look to you? Abbott: Who! Costello: To you. Abbott: Who! Costello: To you. Abbott: Who! Look... Costello: When the guy signs his name, how does it look to you? Abbott: Now that's how it looks. Who. Costello: H-How...Who? Abbott: Who. Costello: I'm askin' you. What's the guy's name on first base you give the money to? Abbott: Who! After all, the man's entitled to it... Costello: Who is? Abbott: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Costello: Whose wife? Abbott: Yeah, sure. Costello: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base... Abbott: What is on second base. Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's... Costello: Third base, I know. Abbott: Yeah. Costello: You got a outfield? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The left fielder's name? Abbott: Why. Costello: I just thought I'd ask you. Abbott: Well I just thought I'd tell you. Costello: The left fielder's name? Abbott: Why!? Costello: Hmm...Because! Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield. Costello: Oh... Abbott: Told you all these players got... Costello: All I'm tryin' to figure out is what's the guy's name in leftfield. Abbott: Now, What's on second. Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: I don't know... Both: Third base. Costello: You got a pitcher on this team? Abbott: Wouldn't be a fine team without a pitcher. Costello: What's his name? Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: You don't want to tell me today? Abbott: I'm telling you. Costello: Then go ahead. Abbott: Tomorrow!? Costello: What time? Abbott: What time what? Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching? Abbott: Now listen. Who is not... Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name? Abbott: What's on second. Costello: I don't know. Both: Third base! Costello: You got a catcher? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The catcher's name? Abbott: Today. Costello: Today. You don't wanna tell me, today...tomorrow...do you? Abbott: I'm telling you. Costello: So the catcher's name? Abbott: Today. Costello: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching. Abbott: Now you've got it! Costello: Now I've got it... Abbott: Hey! Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team! Abbott: Well I can't help that. Costello: All right. You know now, I'm a good catcher. Now, I get behind the plate and...and Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Abbott: Yes. Costello: Now when he gets up, me being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So the guy bunts the ball. I pick up the ball; I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right. Costello: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about! Abbott: Well that's...That's all you have... Costello: That's all I have to do is to throw the ball to first base. Now who's got it? Abbott: Naturally. Now you've got it. Costello: I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get the ball! Now who's got it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Naturally? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Abbott: No, no, no, no... Costello: He gets the ball. Naturally gets the ball and...Nat- Abbott: You throw the ball to first base. Costello: Then who gets it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Abbott: No! Costello: Naturally gets the ball and...and... Abbott: You throw the ball to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Naturally. Costello: That's what I'm saying!? Abbott: You're not saying it... Costello: I said, I throw the ball to Naturally. Abbott: No you don't! Costello: I throw it to who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: That's what I'm saying! Abbott: No it isn't. Costello: I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Abbott: So Who gets it. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That's it. Costello: Okay. Now I ask you, who gets it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Same as you! Abbott: Now listen... Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally. Abbott: You throw the ball to Who!? Costello: Then who gets it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: He better get it! So I throw the ball to first base. Abbott: All right. Costello: Whoever gets it drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Now, Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, triple play. Abbott: Could be. Costello: Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Abbott: Yes. Costello: Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn! Abbott: What'd you say? Costello: I said, I don't give a darn! Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop!