Smoking-Bill Hicks

Sosmokers Thank you guys Just smoke away huh Don't worry about us hakay How many smokers do we have here tonight Smokers (smattering of acknowledgment) Hoo boy Listen to that energy they can pump out at Will hah (cough hack wheeze) Thank you guys That was a valiant effort on your parts Listen to this How many non smokers do we have here tonight Non smokers Hear that Bunch of whining little maggots aren't they Obnoxious self righteous slugs I'd quit smoking If I didn't think I'd become one of them The worst kind of non smokers are the ones Where you're smoking and they just walk up to ya I always say Shoot you're lucky you don't smoke T's a helluva cough dude I smoke all day And don't cough like that Maybe you were conceived With a weak sperm Maybe your dad was jacking off And your mom sat on it at the last second Did I overreact Didn't did I I think that's kinda cruel I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me Jesus Do you go up to crippled people dancing too you f**ks Well hey Mr Wheelchair What's the problem Come on Ironside Race ya you f**king sadist I'll smoke I'll cough I'll get the tumors I'll die Deal Thank you America People say I it's not that it's the secondary smoke It's not the smoke that you smoke but the smoke That comes out of you That's called secondary smoke And that's not good smoke just Because it came out of you Shut the f**k off up right now Goddammit If I don't smoke there's gonna be secondary bullets Coming yer way Ya understand this I'm f**king tense Alright Thank you I've been on a Flying saucer tour for three months ok Thank you Hope you don't mind if I just enjoy my cig I love when people in New York City Complain about your smoking I don't that great These people are standing ankle deep In dog links straddling a dead guy you know Apparently my cigarette's f**king up the delicate balance Of nature here Oh this is bothering you oh I'm sorry let me go over here To this pile of bum dung and put this outthere We go Restore New York to that pristine state We know it exists inif it Weren't for my godawful cigarette How much do you smoke a day dude Pack and a half you little puss Why don't you just put a dress on and swish around for us Pack and a halfI smoke a pack and a half Makes me ill I go through two lighters a day Dude I'm starting to feel it Uhh sh*t But I do have this big fear right Doing smoking jokes in my act Showing up five years From now going Good evening everybody Remember me Y'all were right Smoking bad you ever see that Lemme tell you something If you're smoking out of a hole in your neck I'd think about Quitting I would And that's just me you know See once again I'm not being stringent With the rule of thumb What's cool is every pack has a different Surgeon General's warning Idn't that great Mine say Warning Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth f**k it Hahaha Found my brand Just don't get the ones That say lung cancer y'know Shop around man Yeah Gimme a carton of 'low birth weights What the f**k do I care Cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide Well so does my car and it still f**king runs so See I smoke I don't drink I don't do drugs You know can I smoke Can I Like a f**king fiend I can