One-Daniel Tosh

[ti:One] [ar:Daniel Tosh] [al:Happy Thoughts] [by:] [offset:0] [00:00.00]One - Daniel Tosh [00:53.72]Thank you for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of [00:58.62] [01:01.35]Oh San Francisco [01:02.56] [01:08.80]My third favorite city to do comedy in [01:11.09] [01:11.68]Huh [01:11.91] [01:12.45]That's not bad right [01:13.21] [01:13.77]Top ten congratulations [01:15.86] [01:17.72]More butt f**king per square foot [01:20.31] [01:21.78]Then in any place in the world [01:23.19] [01:24.02]That's you guys [01:24.59] [01:29.57]Put that on your post cards [01:30.63] [01:32.23]San Francisco [01:33.29] [01:34.02]More butt f**king per square foot [01:37.21] [01:39.17]Miss you [01:40.18] [01:43.00]Now if you've never seen me perform [01:43.95]Before I am not good live [01:46.21] [01:48.35]Heads up [01:48.86] [01:49.46]If I offend anybody tonight I apologize [01:51.26]That is not my intention [01:52.56]I'm not gonna guess [01:53.23]What your personal line of decency is [01:55.38]I cross my own from time to time [01:57.26]It's how I know I still have one [01:58.77] [02:01.86]I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country [02:04.45]Except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty [02:06.47] [02:08.20]That is horse shit [02:09.42] [02:10.37]It should be the other way around [02:11.53]They should serve exclusively on jury duty [02:14.59] [02:15.64]Yea [02:15.84] [02:19.86]Then it finally would be a jury of ones own peers [02:23.39] [02:30.21]It's not a stereotype [02:32.02]If it's always true [02:33.50] [02:34.83]Yea [02:35.30]Then it becomes law [02:36.11] [02:38.50]That joke is called [02:39.40]Latinos are criminals [02:41.51] [02:43.21]That's just the title it doesn't mean anything [02:44.86] [02:48.96]Sometimes before I walk on stage [02:49.82]My girlfriend might say [02:50.48]Have a good show [02:51.23]Break a leg [02:51.34]This is what she said to me a few weeks ago [02:53.33]Right before I walked on stage she goes [02:55.42]Hey you ever worry about getting shot when you're out there [02:57.84] [03:00.27]I'm like what the hell is wrong with you [03:02.20] [03:03.61]She followed it with [03:04.32]You should move around more [03:05.58] [03:08.09]Uh you should go back to reading your vampire books [03:10.33] [03:13.38]I should move around more [03:14.44] [03:15.86]As if a sniper would get frustrated like [03:18.22] [03:19.75]I can't keep up [03:21.00]He lives [03:21.54] [03:27.08]You ever scratch your girlfriend with a hangnail [03:28.68]And pretend you're wolverine [03:29.73] [03:31.97]She's like knock it off [03:33.12]I'm like you made me like this [03:34.66] [03:35.99]Then you run into the woods [03:36.79]You're naked [03:37.19]You gotta figure things out [03:38.19]Where'd you come from [03:39.20]Why are you wearing dog tags [03:40.70]Did I serve [03:41.38] [03:45.79]A lot of times people complain that [03:46.76]Their significant other takes too long [03:49.12]To get reedy to go out at night [03:50.70]I've never had that complaint [03:51.83] [03:52.83]And I think it's because [03:54.32]I never want to go anywhere [03:55.75] [03:57.78]So I could care less [03:58.46]How long it takes her to get ready [03:59.46] [03:59.97]That's just less time [04:00.58]I have to spend with her horrible friends [04:02.00]Pretending that I don't wanna kill myself [04:03.48] [04:05.97]Yea [04:06.20] [04:08.26]She'll take an hour and a half to get ready come down [04:10.39]And be like [04:10.89]Oh my goodness you were so patient [04:13.08]I'll be like [04:13.55]For what you look disgusting [04:15.01] [04:16.86]Right [04:17.46]Yea now she's crying [04:18.69]Whatever [04:18.86]I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game [04:21.37] [04:22.36]Ha-ha yea [04:23.13]It's not like she's gonna break up with me [04:25.32]She's ten years younger [04:25.94]She's one opinion away from being replaced [04:28.46] [04:30.79]I can say that [04:31.83]I have a television show [04:32.91] [04:35.01]Yea the power in our household has shifted dramatically