One-Daniel Tosh
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[ti:One]
[ar:Daniel Tosh]
[al:Happy Thoughts]
[by:]
[offset:0]
[00:00.00]One - Daniel Tosh
[00:53.72]Thank you for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of
[00:58.62]
[01:01.35]Oh San Francisco
[01:02.56]
[01:08.80]My third favorite city to do comedy in
[01:11.09]
[01:11.68]Huh
[01:11.91]
[01:12.45]That's not bad right
[01:13.21]
[01:13.77]Top ten congratulations
[01:15.86]
[01:17.72]More butt f**king per square foot
[01:20.31]
[01:21.78]Then in any place in the world
[01:23.19]
[01:24.02]That's you guys
[01:24.59]
[01:29.57]Put that on your post cards
[01:30.63]
[01:32.23]San Francisco
[01:33.29]
[01:34.02]More butt f**king per square foot
[01:37.21]
[01:39.17]Miss you
[01:40.18]
[01:43.00]Now if you've never seen me perform
[01:43.95]Before I am not good live
[01:46.21]
[01:48.35]Heads up
[01:48.86]
[01:49.46]If I offend anybody tonight I apologize
[01:51.26]That is not my intention
[01:52.56]I'm not gonna guess
[01:53.23]What your personal line of decency is
[01:55.38]I cross my own from time to time
[01:57.26]It's how I know I still have one
[01:58.77]
[02:01.86]I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country
[02:04.45]Except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty
[02:06.47]
[02:08.20]That is horse shit
[02:09.42]
[02:10.37]It should be the other way around
[02:11.53]They should serve exclusively on jury duty
[02:14.59]
[02:15.64]Yea
[02:15.84]
[02:19.86]Then it finally would be a jury of ones own peers
[02:23.39]
[02:30.21]It's not a stereotype
[02:32.02]If it's always true
[02:33.50]
[02:34.83]Yea
[02:35.30]Then it becomes law
[02:36.11]
[02:38.50]That joke is called
[02:39.40]Latinos are criminals
[02:41.51]
[02:43.21]That's just the title it doesn't mean anything
[02:44.86]
[02:48.96]Sometimes before I walk on stage
[02:49.82]My girlfriend might say
[02:50.48]Have a good show
[02:51.23]Break a leg
[02:51.34]This is what she said to me a few weeks ago
[02:53.33]Right before I walked on stage she goes
[02:55.42]Hey you ever worry about getting shot when you're out there
[02:57.84]
[03:00.27]I'm like what the hell is wrong with you
[03:02.20]
[03:03.61]She followed it with
[03:04.32]You should move around more
[03:05.58]
[03:08.09]Uh you should go back to reading your vampire books
[03:10.33]
[03:13.38]I should move around more
[03:14.44]
[03:15.86]As if a sniper would get frustrated like
[03:18.22]
[03:19.75]I can't keep up
[03:21.00]He lives
[03:21.54]
[03:27.08]You ever scratch your girlfriend with a hangnail
[03:28.68]And pretend you're wolverine
[03:29.73]
[03:31.97]She's like knock it off
[03:33.12]I'm like you made me like this
[03:34.66]
[03:35.99]Then you run into the woods
[03:36.79]You're naked
[03:37.19]You gotta figure things out
[03:38.19]Where'd you come from
[03:39.20]Why are you wearing dog tags
[03:40.70]Did I serve
[03:41.38]
[03:45.79]A lot of times people complain that
[03:46.76]Their significant other takes too long
[03:49.12]To get reedy to go out at night
[03:50.70]I've never had that complaint
[03:51.83]
[03:52.83]And I think it's because
[03:54.32]I never want to go anywhere
[03:55.75]
[03:57.78]So I could care less
[03:58.46]How long it takes her to get ready
[03:59.46]
[03:59.97]That's just less time
[04:00.58]I have to spend with her horrible friends
[04:02.00]Pretending that I don't wanna kill myself
[04:03.48]
[04:05.97]Yea
[04:06.20]
[04:08.26]She'll take an hour and a half to get ready come down
[04:10.39]And be like
[04:10.89]Oh my goodness you were so patient
[04:13.08]I'll be like
[04:13.55]For what you look disgusting
[04:15.01]
[04:16.86]Right
[04:17.46]Yea now she's crying
[04:18.69]Whatever
[04:18.86]I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game
[04:21.37]
[04:22.36]Ha-ha yea
[04:23.13]It's not like she's gonna break up with me
[04:25.32]She's ten years younger
[04:25.94]She's one opinion away from being replaced
[04:28.46]
[04:30.79]I can say that
[04:31.83]I have a television show
[04:32.91]
[04:35.01]Yea the power in our household has shifted dramatically
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